Trevor J. Scully

I couldn't have picked a worse time for this to happen. Basically, here's the thing: I'm off my medication. All of it. This is far too long a story for me to type here, but put it this way - now I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that if I continue to stay here in SG I'll be dead in a month. And it would probably make a lot of people happy, so fuck that.

Also, if any of you think that you want to be involved (in any way) in the music business, here's my advice: Don't do it. If you think you can do something with your life by viciously going against the grain, don't kid yourself. Or at least, get the fuck out of this god damn country.

Or at the very least, don't EVER get yourself into a situation where people have control over what you do.

I had already placed an order for the vinyl version of this album, but I came across this CD edition by chance. Couldn't resist - bought it. Worth every cent. If only all CDs are made this way. The photos and scans don't do much justice to how amazing it really is.


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Can't wait for the vinyl!

See what it says under my name in the header? "Lies, half-truths and misinformation"? That was meant to be humorous. In fact most of these posts have been the same. I had to mention that, because every single word in this post is the truth. No, I cannot make you believe it. I can only say that it is. Every single word.

It all starts with a seemingly simple question: If there was an "intervention" and I was physically forced into a locked room where I would be monitored 24/7 for a month or two, and if its a success, the question is, what is going to prevent me from going back to square one again? Its really weird. I can't figure this shit out. I want to quit. I really, REALLY do. Everyone knows that. Its not that I can't; Sure, its bloody awful, but I can quit. So then, why? Why don't I?

Here is something I never thought I'd admit to anyone. The answer is, because I know that if I do, then I'd also have to accept that everything - EVERYTHING I do and the consequences of those actions and endeavors would rest solely on my shoulders. And regardless of whether I succeed or fall flat on my face, I would still have to step out into daylight in front of people I love and care about and say, "Yes, its me. It was always me". Not the Trevor you know, nor the Trevor I would like to be, but me."; And that scares me to death. Maybe that's an understatement. Its difficult for people to understand exactly how much fear is involved - the whole extent of it - and I don't blame them.

You see, the thing is... this is very different from going through the school system, studying, graduating, getting a job, making money, socializing, having relationships, trying to find the right partner, dating, falling in love, getting married, buying your own place, struggling to pay your bills, having kids, starting a family, dealing with the mechanics involved in that, etc etc. Its different for me. Its different - very different - because I don't want any of those things. I never did. I don't have a problem with people who do, its just that I don't. All of that stuff never seemed "natural" and I still feel that way, even after constantly questioning things again and again. It's not about wanting to rebel - to go against the grain on purpose. Its simply who I am. The real Trevor that only 4 people - and now you - have met.

I realized this at a very young age, along with the fact that I am going have to single-handedly carve out my own future. My own path. Imagine a multiple choice question on a piece of paper that reads:

You are at Point A. Your goal is to reach point B. Please choose the correct way to do so by making making a tick in one of the following boxes:

[  ]  by car
[  ]  by foot
[  ]  by plane

If that question were to be presented to me, there would be a problem - I wouldn't be able to answer it. The reason being, the correct way for me isn't an option; In fact won't even exist, until I find a way to create it. You know what I mean?

But regardless, that's something I've always known. And for the most part, that is what I've been doing, or trying very hard to do. People have been unsure albeit supportive. Some people have flat out said and are still saying that this is insane, that its something I'm never going to achieve, EVER. Whats strange is that there were many occasions where I've proved them wrong, but still, they refuse to acknowledge it, and keep telling me that I can't do it over and over and over again, and you know what? Its actually working. I'm beginning to doubt myself so much that I actually have stopped being able to do a couple of things that in the past I could do blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back. If for what ever reason the intention is to break me, its fucking working.

There's always been this thick grey fog around everything in front of me, and stepping into it is incredibly scary. I don't have the right word(s) for how scary it is. To use a real world example, and bear in mind that this is not an analogy; This is literal - Sometimes, I won't even be able to come out of my room. Sometimes, even that's not enough - and here's where it gets really ugly, because I would start searching frantically for a "hiding place", somewhere even more isolated the last, and all the ones before that combined. Well, I've found that there's only one place that fits that description, and its in my mind. Which is, in all its cruel irony, quite possibly the worse place I would ever want to be. And with that realization, all hell breaks loose.

Its not a new problem. Neither does it have to do with anything specific, although many people seem to want it to be the case. In fact its something that goes as far back as I can remember. Its always been there. I've just been constantly trying to avoid it. You know that feeling you get when you have a particularly important assignment, and despite being 15 minutes away from the deadline you have like 50% more to go? Multiply that by a hundred. That's what I'm feeling now.

I know whats coming. I know. My catalyst is right around the corner, and the only thing I can do is something I don't want to do. Its going to be the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with, and this time there is nowhere to run and hide. This can be something beautiful. Or it could be the opposite. Either way, I know. And going back to the first paragraph - this is why I always go back to what I know is bad for me. Its stupid and I know it. I could sleep and dream but change doesn't pause or retreat. I just know that this cannot carry on for much longer.

It was my birthday yesterday, and it wasn't depressing. No wait - You have to understand something - Nearly all of my birthdays are horribly depressing, because when I was 6, I realized that people were obviously nicer and more forgiving to me on that one day, and on the other 364 days its back to "normal" which in my world, is pretty much crap. Also because of that I in turn had to try to be nice to them, and pretend like I was happy and be like  "hey i'm a kid! yay!" for 8 hours or so. For what it's worth, I think I did a pretty good job, although I do remember one occasion when someone caught me crying my eyes out at 2am sitting in front of the fridge (I was 9 at the time - These things are not easily forgotten).

But yesterday. Yesterday was different. There was no celebration or anything; The people around me know that I hate birthdays by now. I got cool presents though. Someone gave me a brand new copy of Nine Inch Nails' The Downward Spiral on 180g vinyl. But it wasn't that. I think I get it now. I think I know why I wasn't depressed. I think that I have finally - FINALLY - realized, that some day, one day, I am going to die. Yup. I am going to fucking die, and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. This may sound morbid or something... don't read into it. No sarcasm here, I promise.

I tried to fit in. I tried really hard. I tried to make sense of all of... all of.... THIS. You know? Purpose. Well... here's what I think. We're crazy. Humans. Just fucking crazy, all of us. The only reason we think of ourselves as civilized, as the dominant life form on the planet, is because we want to. That is IT. The End. Show's over. Move along Sir, nothing to see here. Thank you, goodnight! Trevor has left the building.

I'm sorry. I'm just not going to go with it. I'm supposed to have Aspergers, I'm supposed to be the crazy one, "oh he's nice but he's got problems". Well, I've never got into a fight with ANYONE in my entire life. I've loved people, really loved them, but maybe I just got it wrong. Maybe it was something I said. I don't know. All I know is, I'm not trying to kill anyone, or blow up someone's fucking country. I'm a bloody musician for god's sake. Oh fine, call me crazy.

Truth it, I know who I am. I am like you. Just different. And I'm proud of it. Always wll be.

... boxes that is.







Crappy photos courtesy of crappy handphone.

OK. I feel just about confident enough to say this now, and hopefully this won't backfire.

Our album will be out on vinyl and on a variety of digital formats. The vinyl edition will consist of 2 180g records pressed at RTI. They will be housed in a heavy gatefold sleeve. Digital formats will be FLAC, Apple Lossless, and MP3. There will also be a very limited amount of CDs. There are a lot more details, but I don't want to confirm anything just yet. Suffice to say, I think this is going to come out great.

1. Nothing

The two things which annoy me most about blogging, are the word "blogging" and that narrow strip of nothing located just above of where I'm typing this. Yeah that field with the word "Subject:" to its left. Because if I choose not to sum up whatever it is I'm writing about, or if I just can't think of anything witty enough, it somehow renders any post I make seem (to me) automatically redundant and a lot more boring than my posts already are.  But that's not what this post is about.

2. Something

I had a dream last night. And its about music, particularly the production side, so if you don't want to read a few paragraphs of that stuff, just look away now. Anyway.... in the dream, I had in my possession a virtual menagerie of recording equipment at my disposal, and decided to do something "for my next album". Basically, there were 12 songs on the album, and I was just about to begin recording them in a distinct way. There were two "processes". They went like this:

Process 1 - Record all 12 songs using digital equipment. Guitars and bass fed direct, amp modeling, virtual mics, Pro Tools; everything done "in the box". The idea was to keep the path completely digital, even effects, eq, compression etc - Although the instruments would still be played traditionally as opposed to programmed for example. No outboard equipment would be used. After the tracks were all recorded, I would then proceed to mix them. After that, I would get it mastered specifically for CD and MP3, which would be the mediums this version of the album would be released on.

Process 2 - Re-record all 12 songs again, exactly the same as with Process 1.  By that I mean literally re-recording everything again, note for note, and not just using the audio from the Process 1 sessions. Only this time, I would use a "strictly-analogy-only" path. Guitars into real amps, mic'd up with real microphones, taking room acoustics into account and making that an integral part of the recording, using analog effects and outboard gear, tubes, you get my drift. After the recording is done I would get it mastered specifically for vinyl; Again, this being the medium this version of the album will be released on.

Of course this was just a dream, and a pretty nice one as far as my dreams go. Still I think its an interesting - albeit extremely expensive and time consuming - idea; Nonetheless something I would probably pursue if I could.

3. Not-Quite-Everything

By the way... this vinyl thing has got me by the balls. Its really, really bloody addictive. I've always said that I was never a "collector". As in, I don't (for example) hunt down a specific rare pressing of an album. I just have a lot of records, because I like a lot of music. Having said that, I have to admit that lately I find myself beginning to lean ever so slightly in the direction of "collector".

The thing is, I'm not doing this for financial gain. Its always a case of me having a great deal of affection for a particular album, then finding out there's another version out there with different artwork that I like, or maybe another pressing with a different mix; And that would be enough to pique my curiosity - which more often than not has the distinct effect of making me *that much* poorer than I was, oh, 10 minutes ago.

Not too long ago, I would have balked at the suggestion that I was an "audiophile". I probably still would because despite the true meaning of the term, the general impression is more along the lines of "people with a lot of money who buy ridiculously expensive turntables because they sound better than anything else". Personally, I know there's no such thing as perfect when it comes to music.

But there is a point where I believe I have what I need to get the most out of the music I listen to. I have not reached that point yet - Maybe about 50% there. So the search goes on. I'll tell you what though - At least I'm leaving my veins alone. And I'm not going to talk about that any more from now on.

As for vinyl records themselves (as I'm writing this I'm listening to A Perfect Circle's "Thirteenth Step") I just get more fascinated by vinyl as time goes by. Its just one of those things that's right up my alley; Somewhat obscure, absolutely archaic and troublesome, but the more you get to know and understand it, what makes it tick, why this does that and that doesn't do this, the more satisfaction you get out of it in the end.

Hmm... I may have just described myself. Somewhat.

As a self professed Bowiephile I am utterly ashamed to report that I made a mistake in my previous post. Aladdin Sane came out in 1973; Ergo the record is from 1973, not 1974. The excellent 5 Years website has a great article about Aladdin Sane, including confirmation that my record is indeed from the original batch. By the way - If you're particularly interested in Bowie's Ziggy Startdust era, I recommend checking out that site in its entirety. Lots of great info there.

Anyway. I apologize for the error, and in regards to making a mistake of that magnitude again, I shall - as a precautionary measure - proceed to ritually disembowel myself with a particularly dull butter knife whilst simultaneously eating a chilled chicken sandwich.

Managed to track down an original (c. 1974) copy of David Bowie's  "Aladdin Sane". The guy I bought it from told me he only opened it a few years ago and played it not more than 4 or 5 times; Upon throroughly inspecting the record I was inclined to believe him. The cover showed the usual signs of aging but nothing really bad. The record itself was in great condition and improved tenfold after I gave it a good cleaning. Plus, it cost me - wait for it - $3. Yes. Three dollars.

There was also an unexpected curiosity that literally fell out when I opened the albums' gatefold packaging; I found this quite amusing. We'll get to that soon. First, a couple of (badly shot) pictures:







And here is that amusing something:



Yup. Its an application to join the David Bowie fan club. Circa 1974. Check out whats inside:





I'm thinking of sending this in - Just to see what happens. They just turned the LHC on at CERN. Maybe messing around with this would fuck with the space-time continuum and a bunch of sequined-spandex-leotard-wearing-people will emerge from a tear in the fabric of time. Which is always a good thing. So how? Should I?

Seriously though: This is a Dynaflex record. In the mid 70's, RCA decided to introduce these new lightweight vinyl records, which they claimed lied flat on the platter with less warping etc. The actual reason was, not surprisingly, that they just wanted to save money. Compared to the 180g and 200g (which could probably be used as weapon) vinyl records that are getting more commonplace and sought after now, these Dynaflex things feel like a sheet of linoleum.

But to be honest, it doesn't sound all that bad. Then again, I haven't heard a better edition of ANY of Bowie's vinyls yet. Someone please reissue them in 180g! Do a limited box set, I don't care, just do it!